the alitaptap

it’s been a month…and the memories of that fateful day come rushing back…why, of all times, you chose to make yourself felt when both of us were standing before this sentient entity in dark robes with a scythe…your back was turned and i couldn’t see how you looked…you didn’t let me come with you and so i stayed behind. i’ll forever be wondering how you would look, how you would grow up to be…how life with you will be…i’m left to my imaginations of you leaving butterfly kisses on my cheeks…of small, yet strong hands to hold my veined and aged ones…of big, wide eyes with looks of love i know will always be for me…in my heart, i know you would have grown up to be like me, hard-headed yet thoughtful and sweet…when you want to be…in silence, i mourn for you…it’s me who feels this great loss…only me…but you never made me feel responsible for what happened…you just went away, with a grand exit that kept everybody on their toes and holding their breaths for three hours…i may not have seen you, but i already loved you the moment i knew of you…even when both our lives were hanging by a thread…wherever you are right now, know that my thoughts are with you…we will meet again someday…by then, i will no longer be wondering…

when death reaches out for your hand, you either give it willingly or give him  convincing reasons why you just can’t…he will give you a list of all the times you wanted out and you might not be able to justify that…but look for loopholes for his early visit…maybe he doesn’t know that he’s picking you up without even giving you the chance to say goodbye to your loved-ones and friends…when he relents, take a step away and think of another reason to stay…give him at least three and don’t forget to step back with each reason…take big steps…don’t forget to say thank you…

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when you’re in a hospital bed, lying helpless, you remember your carefree moments…the occasional recklessness comes to mind and the times when you took everything for granted…it’s not really the feeling of regret that haunts you but the longing to be somewhere else…to be out there instead of being inside and looking out of the window…the boxed-view is like watching old silent movies…colorless and not exciting…

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some realizations in the past weeks:

1. when in confinement, befriend your nurses…theirs is not an easy job…they seem unattached but they genuinely feel compassion for you…

2. thank God for doctors…

3. never dismiss any kind of pain…

4. don’t self-diagnose yourself…when something’s not right (like collapsing 6 times!!!), scream SOS and ask to be taken to the hospital.

5. thank God for helpful officemates and understanding bosses…

6. thank God for jet…

7. thank God for family…always…

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recent realization:

LOVE NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY…PEOPLE JUST FORGET…

i didn’t plan on being sentimental tonight, but i can’t help it. i just spent two weeks with my nephews and i just can’t let go of the fun moments i had with them. Gabe has just turned a year old and has developed more schemes and antics to keep us on our toes. he can make a 360′ twist in your arms and is slippery as a fish! he can say ”mama” and “papa” and make all other gurgly sounds or hum tunes only he knows what. he can charm you with his two-teeth grin so that you will carry him and take him outside to look at the waving leaves of the palm trees. his favorite pastimes are wearing-out his walker and playing with the green blocks, kuya ashboy’s green car and the green fluffy fish (and his favorite color is…).  he likes jumping up and down on the pillows of his playpen, which i later on realized is his way of propelling himself up on the playpen bars to try his luck on escaping his confinement. if all else fails, he can always make tears come out of those chinky eyes and wail like all the world is against him…and voila! somebody comes running and gets him out of his miserable state…the one formula that never fails! he wakes up earlier than the crowing cocks and would crawl on everyone on the bed…after making his ”crawl call”, he would snuggle beside kuya ash. when he gets hungry, he would crawl to his mom and kiss her on the lips, his way of telling her “feed me mammim!” like all babies his age, he suffers from what ninong jet calls “hand-to-mouth disorder” — everything he touches goes straight to his mouth. gabe idolizes his kuya ashboy. he always laughs when ashboy does something corny or not funny at all…and when ash is scolded for something he did which is temper-raising, gabe always has a ready smile for his kuya…such a warm and happy kid…as for ashboy, oh my…i don’t even know where to start. he can make you happy and crazy at the same time. the moment he wakes up, you know the peaceful morning will only last until he has finished his milk/ovaltine and oatmeal breakfast. we count ourselves lucky if dora, diego, the backyardigans and the hi-5 gang are included in his schedule for the day because he will quietly watch these shows. however, when the energy level starts to rise due to the sugar rush in the morning, he accompanies the characters on tv with their dancing and singing and romps around the house with his cars, his PSP,  his “typewriter” (that’s what he calls his toy guns because of the clicking sounds they make) or some of gavin’s toys. he runs around, goes up to the rooms and climbs back down, without any decrease in energy. he always has a lot of “because” when you ask him about things even if the question is not a WHY! he feels he needs to justify himself, unless when the question is “you love lolo and lola?  you love tita ems?” and then the answer is a definite YES! he will tease you by pinching your nose or your cheek or kicking you lightly to get your attention. he will debate with you on what to watch on tv even if the show he wants is not for kids with a ready “because” to his defense! on our way to the malls, he will ask me or his lola if we have money to pay for the taxi and if we say we don’t, he will matter-of-factly tell us “you have money for taxi”. inside the shops in the mall, whenever i pick something i like from the displays, he will tell me “that’s very expensive. tita ems,” even if he hasn’t seen the price tag yet…but when he wants to ride the electric bikes or play at timezone and we tell him he can’t because it’s expensive, he will tell you it’s not expensive at all (”it’s not expensive, tita ems! it’s good)! he easily makes friends and readily shares his goodies, sometimes even asking his mom to buy food for his NFFs! he refers to a person by saying the color of the shirt or dress that person is wearing, like tita ranna jo is “the white one” and tita mimi is “the violet one”. his mom was once labeled as ”the black one” because of the color of the shirt she wore that day. he tells stories of PARIATES (pirates) with a MEP (map) to find the TREZURES (treasures) in the mountain. his ninong jet  told him that frogs make KOKAK sounds…he looked shocked and with his doubting wide eyes, vehemently said NO! RIBBIT! he loves rice with egg and maggi noodle soup, chuckie, pancit palabok and spaghetti. he only listens to papa shane and ignores everybody else when we scold him, especially lolo and lola because he knows he can always get away with anything when they’re around. he knows I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU by heart and loves to sing PRETTY WOMAN on the magic sing, saying it’s lolo’s song (whom he obviously idolizes). he likes to tease his lola by grabbing the tv remote but later on sits on her lap and makes a compromise with her to watch BITOY over his lola’s JUN PYO, JAN DI and JI HOO love triangle…ash is such a character. sometimes i can’t help but blow fuse at his being rowdy and hurtful…but most of the time i want to drown him with kisses and tickle him all over and just enjoy his childhood while i still can. i regret not accepting his offer “to sleep with ashboy and baby and mammim” when he saw me alone in the guest room getting ready for bed…maybe next time, ash…so these are my moments with my nephews…it’s not  too obvious that i miss them a lot…well, i always do…most if not all of the time.

the past months have been like rollercoaster rides for me…ironically, i haven’t been doing much, save for some pro bono work which i consider my moral and professional obligation to society, but i feel as though i’m being tested…perhaps it’s because of the changes that i went through in the last five months that brought about this feeling of being cast in fire and hammered to a mold…a mold for what? in the past days, i dream of white empty spaces or blue, cloudless skies or driving a red right-hand-drive car on a brick road…i’m restless but i feel i’m walking on a tightrope, a single misstep will lead me down…days after i got married, a friend told me, “ems, i think you should slow down now…you know, decide which road to take and be sure it’s the one you want to be on for the rest of your life…” and so i decided to hit the brakes and decided to walk to that road…sometimes when you’re driving, chances are you miss faded road signs and miscalculate the distance to the next gas station…when you walk or run, your feet’s pace will force you to stop for road signs, no matter how small or faded they are…and there’s no gas to worry about…i’m starting to walk on that path right now. it’s still unpaved and rocky, but i know i’m on the right track. and i know that after the bends and curves, life’s up ahead…i’m going there, slowly, but surely.

“i have a heart so i dare love; i have a tongue so i dare speak…”

these words have been imprinted in my head eversince i read them. they were spoken by maharlika, a rajah’s son pretending to be a freeman-emissary of his father to pay court to the beautiful but proud laarni, a native princess and daughter of another powerful rajah. LAARNI — A DREAM, a beautiful love story written by LORETO PARAS SULIT, is one of my favorite filipino short stories. i first read this  back in my freshman year in high school. i immediately fell in love with it and daydreamed that i was laarni and some faceless guy is my maharlika…the imaginations of youth! during my freshman year in college, i met a dainty girl from davao…her name is laarni…and i remembered the beautiful love story. the first thing i did when i went home for the semestral break was look for my english textbook in high school, only to find out that my mom had given all my textbooks away…to my horror!!! i was sad that i lost my only copy of LAARNI…well, there was always the UP library and since the story was written by a pioneer in the field of philippine literature, i was sure that the UP library has a copy…and i was right…the UP library has a book which is a compilation of filipino short stories…it is the only library which has a copy of that book…unfortunately everytime i tried to borrow the volume which had LAARNI in it, it was always out or “for locating”…hmm…so i abandoned my quest for the story…years after, when everything can be “googled”, i searched for LAARNI again but surprisingly, there’s no electronic copy of the said story…some of Ms. Paras Sulit’s works are uploaded, but no LAARNI…i did not attempt to go back to the UP library because i live far from the campus already…again, empty-handed…but hope springs eternal…two months ago, i received an email from a filipino-australian who read my review on CATCHING A FIREFLY, a collection of short stories written by FREDA JAYME. in my review, i wrote how ms. jayme’s stories reminded me of ms. paras sulit’s LAARNI—A DREAM. i wrote my book review in my friendster blog and it was through this blog that the filipino-australian got to me…his name is kuya tony and he was also searching for laarni because he wanted a friend to read it…the friend and our heroine share the same name and she was wondering where her name came from. come to think of it, laarni is a very filipino name…i would say uniquely filipino? anyway, so kuya tony asked a favor from me: if i can find a copy of the short story…so, laarni was making herself felt again! i thought to myself that this was another wild goose chase, but i was willing to try again. i was actually excited to do it…thankfully, kuya tony sent me the call number of the book which he found online…however, at that time, the UP library was already closed for the holy week and will open at the start of summer classes…another setback was my trip home for the holy week, which was extended for two weeks after easter. when i finally came back to manila, i wasn’t able to go to UP immediately because of the rainy weather (and it’s summer!). finally, yesterday, jet was headed for the heart center in east avenue, so i hitched a ride going to quezon city…thankfully, he took me all the way to UP. i was there at eight in the morning, to avoid “pila”. i had to apply for an alumni card first before i can go inside the library. luckily, i was the only one applying so i didn’t wait long. the rain was starting to pour again and UP is like a virgin forest when it rains — cold and damp. when i got to the library, i made a request for the book with laarni in it. well, fate has a way of really testing you…the two copies of the book were unavailable! one was out and the other one is “for locating!” the librarian said that they have another copy but it was in preservation and can’t be taken out! so imagine my frustration! the librarian assured me though that she will look for the other copy but i have to go back on may 4! well, what choice did i have? i was already at the library exit when i heard someone calling my name. i turned around and recognized the library staff at the filipiniana section. he said that they made a request for the copy of the book which is in preservation and it was being brought down as we were speaking! oh my! i couldn’t believe it! i was finally going to see laarni again! so i went back inside and patiently waited. when the book was handed to me, i stared at it…it looked so plain, with a dark brown cover…it looked old too and the pages are brittle with age. i turned the pages slowly for fear that i might tear it. and then i saw her, page 183…i had one problem though…how can i make a copy of this? for sure i can’t have it photocopied because the pages are too delicate and one wrong flip could destroy the book…well, i was left with no choice, i copied it longhand…word for word! there was no other way…and so my quest ended…after years of searching, i finally got to read her again. i’d say it was worth the wait and the effort…come to think of it, it was effortless actually…i really, really wanted to find her…and borrowing the words of the alchemist* all the universe conspired so i can find her…my heartfelt thanks to the staff of the Filipiniana section of the UP main library for doing the impossible…and of course, to kuya tony…thank you for giving me the motivation to start this quest again…happy reading!
 

*by paulo coehlo

“Call security…the gypsies are here!” I heard my aunt’s frantic voice. I looked up from the book I was reading and beheld a sight I did not dream of seeing—a pack of gypsies! My heart was pounding and I felt my eyes were about to pop from their sockets…my aunt and the rest of the people at the hospital cafeteria were trying to be calm but on their guard…I was the only one excited about the whole scenario. I have always been fascinated with gypsies ever since I was little…and now I’m finally face to face with some of them. I heard from one of the nurses that a gypsy was confined in the hospital. Perhaps these were  relatives and friends. True to their clannish nature, they came as a group, like there was a reunion or something…they were dark-haired, dark-eyed and olive-skinned (I could almost see Quasimodo’s Esmeralda among them)…my only disappointment was they all wore black clothes, even the women and children, not the colorful, layered skirts and scarves I imagined them to be in…they crowded the small cafeteria and the place was buzzing with their loud talks and boisterous laughter…everybody was irritated…I stared in awe…my aunt interrupted my running thoughts and told me to be careful around gypsies…they take things without paying for them and insist that they did so…arguing with them is pointless because they will accuse you of being racist because you pick on them…hmm…so I heard…in the books I’ve read about them, gypsies were associated with bad news…I always wondered why…I never saw them again after that day…the confined gypsy was already discharged…again, disappointment…Nordstrom was one of my daily destinations…I loved their lounge and every time I visit the store, the lounge was my ultimate stop before heading to my aunt’s workplace or my cousin’s apartment…one particular visit was in a way bizarre…it  was raining hard  and I decided  to go straight to Nordstrom and skipped all my other daily destinations…I rushed to the ladies room…later, I saw a couch by the glass windows and decided to “lounge around” for awhile, the rain seemed endless and I didn’t want to go just yet…I got settled and stared down at the people on the streets. Some were half walking, half running, trying to avoid the unwanted splashes…others seemed to enjoy the rain and leisurely walked on the side streets. The city is famous for its nine months a year rain…the crying heavens is an everyday occurrence…”talk to me…” my reverie was interrupted. I immediately turned to my left and saw that the couch beside me, empty just minutes ago, was now occupied by a dark-haired, dark-eyed, olive-skinned girl…my heart started to pound…a gypsy! “I’m sorry?” I said…she looked at me…really looked at me…I felt she was scrutinizing me…I could hear my aunt saying “Beware! Beware! Beware!”  but I stared back at her…she was between twenty to twenty-five years old, she was heavily clothed for the rain…her dark, curly locks were in a ponytail tied by a bright red scarf with gold trimmings…”Please talk to me…” she said one more time…if I were to believe all the things I read about gypsies, I could’ve sworn that she cast a spell on me because I just sat there and gave in…but  she was not a witch anyway so what spell was I thinking about…my decision to stay and listen was borne out  of curiosity…and pity…”Ok…so what do you want to talk about?” I said…”Tell me anything…tell me about you…” again, warning bells were ringing in my head…I was already thinking that this gypsy was trying to hypnotize me so she can take my wallet without any objection from me…I suddenly noticed that there were only two of us in the lounge…resistance is futile…but my curiosity still prevailed…so I told her who I was, where I came from, the things I liked, what I wanted to become, where I lived and some other getting-to-know-you stuff…”I’m Nadia (not her real name), my parents came from Armenia…we’re gypsies, yes (reading my thoughts…hehehe)…and tonight I’m eloping with my boyfriend…he is not of my people and our relationship is not allowed…am I doing the right thing?” I was speechless…”Well…” that’s all that came out…for a full minute I just stared at her…I wanted to say “TMI! TMI! TMI!” but she looked too distressed for my screaming mind…I’ve always thought eloping was romantic…risky but romantic…”If I were in your shoes, and I did love my boyfriend and there’s no other way for us to be together, then I’d probably risk it all…” I talked so fast…what was I saying!!! I mentally scolded myself…but it was too late…Nadia’s eyes twinkled and they looked hopeful…I could only drown in guilt secretly…”Thank you!” and she hugged me…I was surprised! “I hope I can see you again…inshaallah…that’s what my boyfriend tells me all the time…it means God-willing…” oh, so gypsies believe in God? Hmm…she went out of the lounge and left me wondering…what just happened?! I never saw Nadia again and I never told anybody about that encounter, my aunt would have freaked out anyway…I almost forgot her story until I read another book about gypsies today…I wonder if she went with her boyfriend for that “romantic” escape…thinking about it now makes me feel guilty again… but what could my guilt do? oh by the way, Inshaallah is indeed a word for God-willing…it’s Arabic for God-willing (actually, I wasn’t so sure what word she said until I started learning Arabic and then I realized it was inshaallah)…I can only assume that Nadia’s boyfriend was Arabic and perhaps a muslim…that’s why she said “not of my people…” wherever they are and if indeed they took that path to “freedom”, I hope they are well…in my thoughts, I wish them well…always.

there are two reasons why i love spending the day at the gym. first is of course to trim the cellulites away and second, the fitness center, being at the 35th floor of a skyrise building in Ortigas, gives a panoramic view of metro manila…in the last two months, i have been frequenting the gym not because i wanted to increase my usual dosage of treadmills and dance classes, but, believe it or not, i go there to contemplate…right after we got married, jet was offered a job in their office in china. i considered it his big break. as for me, i was excited to go…or so i thought…moving to china meant leaving everything and everyone…well, for the next couple of years anyway…but still it’s leaving. my excitement gave way to fear, melancholy and confusion. my daydreams of walking around nanjing road (one of shanghai’s shopping districts) and having kodak moments at the oriental pearl (a famous landmark) were replaced by pre-empted homesickness and worried thoughts of career displacements…on the otherhand, i made considerations for establishing stronger marital relationships. we just got married anyway and everybody was saying that i should go with jet…well, being domesticated can be a welcome change…so i quit my job, prepared the necessaries and waited for the green light to move…at first being in-between-jobs (a bum, in other words, hehehe) is uncomfortable for me since i’m used to being on-the-go. but on the second week of bum-hood, i realized that it has its perks. i get to do whatever i want without worrying about the next day’s client calls and meetings…i was free and i didn’t answer to anyone’s demands, only to myself…but the month of may (jet’s supposed on-board schedule at their shanghai office) is drawing nearer and i was starting to panic again. i wanted to go with jet but i was also considering my own career. i realized that i can only be a domestic goddess for a month…i can’t stay away from the work jungle…so everyday after working out, mall-hopping and bookshop camping, i always make a beeline towards greenbelt chapel…i didn’t demand for anything, no compromises whatsoever…i just asked “so, what now?”…a voice in my head would say, “patience is a VIRTUE”…for a while i thought i was becoming schizophrenic!!! two mondays ago, while staring at the northern view of the metro from the glass windows of the gym (i was actually getting melancholic again), i received an alarming text message from jet: “can we talk?”…my mind screamed “OMG!!!, did he find out about my egyptian pharaohs (hahaha, just kidding, jetski…)?” so we met for dinner and discussed our future…he told me that he was not taking the offer in shanghai and he’s keeping his job here. my initial reaction was of course disappointment because for me it was a career development for him…and then it dawned on me…this was the answer to my so-what-nows!!! ah, finally, i had peace of mind…i felt happy…yesterday, while doing leg-presses, the makati skyline was a bit clearer despite the kilometric distance and the looming smog…i smiled at it, like an old friend and said “i’m here to stay…see you later!”…in fact i was actually saying to the 7,107 islands, “i’m staying!!!”…ahh…there’s no place like home after all…

most, if not all of the time, we hear stories of the “other woman”. but of course, women have their fair share of infidelities in this world, thus the existence of the “other man”…generally, women excel in the loyalty department more than men. most of us are monogamous and stick-to-one. perhaps this is brought about by the dictates of society, labeling women who sleep around as harlots and whores (so what do we call men who do the same?)…but if it weren’t for society, can women get away with having more than one partner without the seal of disapproval? yesterday, i chanced upon this radio station which plays old songs, mostly from the ’70s and ’80s. i was actually contemplating on the issue of male infidelity when the song “torn between two lovers” by mary mcgregor was played by the dj…well, we all know the song, it’s about a woman who got involved with two men, one she loves truly and the other one she loves for filling in the emptiness she feels…this got me to thinking…when a man takes in another woman, he initially does it to heed the calling of the flesh…they say it is their nature to satisfy ”the urge”. in other words, men have the license to have other women as justified by nature…when woman #1—legal wife, legal girlfriend”—cannot deliver for whatever reason, men instinctively turn to woman #2 or look for someone like woman #2. initially, it’s just a passing fancy but may later on develop into an emotional investment. on the otherhand, when a woman gets involved with a man other than her husband or boyfriend, it is because an emotional need is not satisfied. a woman has needs, but sexual deprivation cannot cause a woman’s infidelity. unlike men, women think of sex the least (hmm…again, most if not all? hehehe)…a woman’s burden basically revolves around family and self-affirmation. she has children to nurture, a husband or a boyfriend to take care of, household chores to tackle and perhaps a career to maintain. with all these, a woman needs to be assured that at the end of the day, she has stronger hands to hold on to, warm hugs to make her feel alright, kisses to soothe her headaches and conversations to let out all that she went through for the day. believe it or not, women crave for attention and affection (don’t be hypocrites, my dear sisters…) and even the most independent woman would want someone to take care of her once in a while. when a woman’s emotional needs are not met by the husband or the boyfriend and some other man is filling in the role (and he is conveniently available all the time) of giving attention and affection, a woman can only do so much not to respond…sigh…nobody tolerates infidelity…i don’t tolerate infidelity in all its forms…but in this day and age men and women can’t help but explore the limits of each others’ faithfulness, aided by technology. everybody is just a text message, a speed-dial or a buzz away…my husband (uy, may label na!!!) told me a few days ago that men and women cheat their wives, their husbands, their boyfriends and girlfriends all the time, in the simplest or grandest forms, and it’s ok to do so as long as feelings are not involved…so what is this, a green light to explore dishes other than adobo (egyptian dishes like kofta or kebab perhaps…hehehe)? he said, we’re only human and we need to interact with others…well, isn’t this every man’s excuse…someday, maybe i can give an understanding nod to these deceitful tendencies…but i don’t anticipate it’s advent. for the mean time, let’s just acknowledge the fact that men and women are both capable of deception, for whatever reason…the “other woman” has enjoyed the limelight for sometime now…i believe it’s about time that the “other man” takes credit for the damage or even reparation he has caused.

it started with the diamond and blue sapphire ring…the question was asked in an almost century-old church and in front of the imposing figure of a Saint who is called upon by women who seek lifelong partners…the answer was a giggly “yes i will…” two years after, vows were declared…it has been two weeks since jet and i said our “I DOs” and i can’t help but reminisce…december 27, 2008…i woke up to my dad’s version of elvis presley’s “HAWAIIAN WEDDING SONG”…when he saw me he said the videoke channel was playing the song for me…i just laughed and forced myself not to cry…after stuffing all the things i needed for the day, my dad drove me to the hotel…my dad is a man of few words especially when it comes to expressing emotions…he knew this was the last time he was going to see me as his little girl…the next time he will see me, i will be the bride he’s going to give away…again, i held back tears…jet was waiting for me at the driveway of the hotel…as we are a non-traditional couple, we don’t believe seeing each other on the day of our wedding as bad luck…one by one, the members of the entourage arrived and everybody started to be made up and dressed up…the photoshoot began…suddenly the rains came. everybody was worried. the heavens seemed to have lots to shed. i didn’t mind…it always rains when something good happens to jet and me. it was a sign…everybody was on their way to the church. i was still waiting for my mom, she was the last one to be made up. i waited inside the bridal car and counted the minutes…i didn’t want to go just yet…then mom came and we sped off…i looked at everything we passed by…the road, the houses, the buildings…i was seeing everything differently…i was like saying goodbye…the unmarried me was saying goodbye…flashbacks of my childhood were playing in my head, i didn’t know why but i felt sad…we turned left and the church was in sight…we pulled up the driveway and on cue, the entourage was called to their places…they were walking down the aisle…i patiently waited…left alone in the car, i was savoring my last moments of singlehood…and then they closed the church doors, it was the signal that it was my turn to go…so i took my place behind the big antique doors of the church…i was remembering how many times i passed through those doors…countless times…and then someone asked me if i was ready to go…how do you define ready? for a minute there i thought, a bride shouldn’t be asked that question, because it will make her think of reasons why she wasn’t ready…i said yes and the doors opened…the aisle greeted me…i know jet was standing at the other end but my view was  blocked by the hanging flowers and the hands that waived here and there…a sea of faces, familiar faces…i was thankful for that because i knew everyone who wished me well…my parents met me in the middle and i kissed them…i expected tears but none came out…i was laughing and waiving and smiling and waiving some more…i knew it was a long walk but it didn’t feel like an eternity…i looked at everyone…aunts, uncles, cousins, friends…and then i looked straight ahead, jet was there half smiling, half laughing…he teased me for being like a politician instead of a bride…the traditional “mano” took place and then we were on our way up the altar…i looked up at the stained glass windows of the church and saw that the sun was up…then my nephew came up to me and said “the sun is waking up, tita ems…” and indeed it was…the rays were on us…i felt blessed…the mass and the wedding rites went by like zephyr, the next thing i knew, jet was hugging me…i remember hearing the priest say “kiss the bride” but he hugged me instead…it felt good…and the traditional kiss happened…i liked the hug better…two hours went by so fast…i looked at my left ring finger and there was my eternity band…again mixed emotions…then off to the reception we went…jet and i made sure that everybody will not get bored so we made the program short…i made sure there was dancing…besides singing, i love to dance…it’s my expression of happiness…everybody said it was a beautiful wedding…i say it was a happy one, a dream wedding celebrated with family and friends, with laughter, dancing and wishes of happiness and blessings…all those days we spent preparing and the sleepless nights of worrying were worth it…finally it’s over…finally, after twelve years, we’re hitched!

the boyfriend and i were reminiscing about our past and of course, the thing about first impressions was the foremost topic…in fact, it spawned more topics relating to platonic and romantic relationships…he said that his first impression of me was that i’m “suplada”. well, i get that all the time…i don’t blame those who get this first impression of me. i’m not aloof, i’m just reserved sometimes…but once i’ve warmed up to you, you’d be surprised how i can transform from the silent observer to the light and bubbly schemer (hehehe). you see, there’s what we call stages of friendship and of course the spaces in between…the “getting-to-know-you” and “we’re-kinda-close” phases are leagues apart…it can’t be crossed overnight…trying too hard to get to the other side doesn’t help either…again, there are the spaces in between…i value all my friends but there are only a chosen few who’ve earned the right to scold me, hate me, judge me and keep me grounded…so i apologize to those who get this impression…believe me, i’m a warm, happy person…it just takes time…that’s just me…